Twenty years ago, when I was still young and a new mom, I started a blog called Surviving Another Night.
The name came from a very real place, because night-time used to be the hardest part of my life.
My firstborn, Wafiy, was extremely clingy and had severe separation anxiety. Sleeping was a struggle for me. Showering and eating was a struggle too. Everything felt like a battle just to survive the night.
That blog lived a long life, almost ten years.
It had thousands of entries. It was where I poured everything out; my exhaustion, daily jokes, tears, frustrations, prayers.
But time moved on. The kids grew up. Wafiy’s now in university. Dadin is in secondary school. My nights are quiet now. No more cries in the dark. No more tiny hands tugging at my shirt at 2 a.m.
But, now the daytime feels hard.
These days, I struggle with my mental health and memory issues. I forget things easily. Sometimes small things, like why I walked into a room. Sometimes big things, like the technical term I need to say while teaching in class.
Life feels exhausting. And I need a space to keep the pieces of my life together again.
This blog came back not for others to read, but to help me remember and help me get through the days. To store what matters; family, feelings and memories.
I always joke with my kids,
“One day, Mama might get Alzheimer’s… sebab Mama selalu lupa macam-macam.”
They’ll reply, “Mom, don’t say that!”
As much as I don’t want it to happen, and I really hope it won’t, but if it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen.
I’m not here for readers. I just want to live out the rest of my life dengan tenang, in peace. No drama. No toxicity.
Sometimes I write in Bahasa Melayu. Sometimes in English. Sometimes it’s a bit formal, sometimes it’s rojak. All depending on my mood and what my heart feels at the moment. I hope that’s okay.
And if you’ve somehow read this far, thank you.
Because this is all… just so I can continue to Survive Another Day.